Dolf's Blog
Integral thoughts about development, humanity, spirituality
Coping with Loss – An Integral Approach (part 3)
This is part 3 of the Coping
with Loss paper. Previous parts have been published on 4 and 7
September.
Second Stage
This stage follows the first stage, meaning that logically, you should have gone through most of the emotional process already. However, if the time feels right for you, just go ahead and deal with this stage as well.
It is this stage where a view on the world exists that is constructed with all sorts of rules that apply and roles that people fulfil in life. It is far more rational than the previous stage, where the emotional side of things was dominant.
The main influences on the mourning process here are the traditional religions and worldviews and the culture of the society you come from or are in today. Most religions and cultures have a certain view on life and death that you can accept or reject: it’s a matter of having faith in it or not. For many people, the belief in e.g. the existence of life after death is a comforting one. Other aspects can have a negative effect, though: if you belief that it was God who is responsible for the death of your loved one, then you need to deal with the question why He did so.
In order to deal with this phase, you need to think about what a religion or other worldview that you feel part of says about life and death. Do those views support you in what you are going through or not? Do you have other insights that conflict with these views and how do you solve that conflict?
Also look into the practical ways in which religion deals with death – for instance, holding a vigil for the deceased person, ways of burying the dead, etc. It is here that you can think of practical ways to deal with the remembrance of your beloved. These are ritual things such as: frame your favourite picture and put it somewhere in your house, make a special place in the house that reminds you of your lost beloved, plant a tree, take care of the grave in a special way, artistic expressions like painting or music. Find your own preferred way of dealing with your loss in a ritualistic manner.
Third Stage
Beyond these more rational insights lie phases where in the first place your individual views and beliefs on life and death play a role. Now that you have been fully confronted with death, what are your beliefs about life and death?
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What exactly do you believe happens when people die? Is it an end of existence or do you have the feeling that there is something beyond death?
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Is there some natural cycle in life and death that you can see?
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How do your ideas and beliefs help in coping with the loss of your beloved?
You may start to get other insights as well, that are to do with the greater context of your mourning. In the beginning you will probably have been totally overwhelmed by your loss and it fully determined the way in which you spent your days. Now, gradually, you can start to see it in the context of your life as a whole. In this stage, start thinking about the future: set yourself some goals to work towards, like determining how you want to lead your life going forwards. Your life has clearly changed, so what are you going to do to reorganise it in these new circumstances and when and how do you want to get there? How do you give this loss a place in your life and how will you carry on with the rest of your life, with your work, with the rest of the people around you?
Make the people around you part of this process as well, share your feelings, thoughts and views and perhaps learn from others’ experiences who have been or are in the same situation.
You may notice that you change during this period, get a different view on life and hence get perspectives that help you carry on. Embrace those views, but use them carefully. Check what the value of them is for you in your current situation and only then base your next steps on them.
